


And I'll Kneel Down

by ohanotherday



Category: The Eagle | The Eagle of the Ninth (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, F/F, F/M, Genderswap, Girl!Esca, Infanticide, Mental Health Issues, Non Consensual, Our Children AU, girl!Marcus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 11:13:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohanotherday/pseuds/ohanotherday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marcus is in love with Esca, but Esca would rather not be stifled by a relationship. Instead Esca introduces Marcus to Liathan. At first Marcus and Liathan are perfectly happy with each other, or at least that is what Esca assumes. </p>
<p>Eventually nothing about her friends’ relationship makes sense. When Esca steps back and really looks at the picture in front of her, there is no single problem to address. It is a myriad of problems, and those problems keep multiplying and multiplying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I'll Kneel Down

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to [“I will wait” by Mumford & Sons](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k0MtrmT0Qs) nonstop while writing this fic, so I took the title from that song. The fic was inspired by the movie [_Our Children_ ( _A Perdre La Raison_ )](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR8Oft_YAh4). The movie is in French but I easily found a version online with English subtitles. I recommend watching the trailer, etc, before reading this fic in case I didn’t tag something that could be possibly triggering. Nothing is graphically depicted, but still, I don’t want anyone to be caught off guard. Also, I hope nobody gets annoyed that I didn’t want to change Marcus’ name to something else. It was simply a personal and aesthetic choice.

 

Esca knows that none of what happened is her fault. She didn't directly cause any misfortune. She didn't yell at anyone, didn’t belittle anyone. She never grabbed a knife to murder.

And yet a small, ever present voice whispers sometimes, “you caused this. This is your doing.”

\---

Esca met Marcus at uni, and while Marcus never overtly declared her love, Esca knew it existed.

It wasn't difficult to realise that Marcus liked her. Marcus' gaze would linger on Esca for a moment too long, eyes tracking Esca’s every movement. And sometimes Marcus smiled at Esca for no reason other than being glad to be in Esca's presence.

Marcus had most likely been too shy to mention it to Esca. Esca, for her part, should’ve at least commented on it. It seems cruel now that she kept stringing her along knowing full well how much Marcus liked her. But for some inexplicable reason, Esca liked her as well. She flirted with Marcus sometimes, would tell her to sleep over, let her cuddle in her bed, would sometimes kiss her.

However, Esca wanted to be a lawyer. She couldn't afford distractions. Marcus had wanted to be a teacher, and while that was admirable, it didn’t change Esca’s determination to accomplish her goals.

Esca thought about what it would be like to actually sleep with Marcus, but she never acted on those feelings. She liked Marcus well enough, but not enough to let her grades slip because of some new and exciting relationship.

Eventually Esca got in the habit of making excuses for why she could never be with Marcus. They were all flimsy and held no real weight, but she still used them. She rationalised that Marcus was American, and she liked bringing up all of the flaws of the American military to justify why she could never be with Marcus. Sometimes she would internally complain that Marcus was too tall compared to Esca’s short stature.

But Esca's most favorite excuse was that, despite knowing that Marcus was bisexual, there might come a day when Marcus might stop liking her. It was the most idiotic excuse Esca ever created, but being ever interested in testing her theories, she brought Marcus home to meet her adoptive family.

\---

Esca had been orphaned when she was fifteen, but Liathan and his father took her in to their home. They had been family friends, and they had been very understanding during Esca’s teenage years. She would’ve been homeless without them, so while they weren’t the friendliest of people toward strangers, she still valued their opinions.

When she introduced Marcus to Liathan and they immediately hit it off, Esca felt vindicated about her theory. She didn’t feel particularly good about it, but she felt _clever_ , like she had escaped some horrible fate by tying herself to Marcus only to discover that she would inevitably stop loving her one day because of the fluidity of sexuality.

Slowly Marcus and Liathan started hanging around each other at university more and more often. Esca rolled her eyes whenever Marcus would seem torn about which person to hang out with, but eventually it was more often than not that Esca was left alone to study in peace.

\---

The wedding invitations had honestly been a surprise. 

A year after introducing them to each other, Esca received one from Liathan when she visited home. Marcus had been there as well, sitting next to Liathan at the dining room table as he beamed.

“Well,” Liathan entreated, “are you going to say anything?”

Esca pursed her lips, shaking her head ruefully. She laughed when Liathan scoffed, but she stood up and hugged Liathan and then Marcus.

Marcus practically glowed every time Liathan turned and looked at her, but Marcus’ smile was a little brittle whenever Liathan's father talked about wedding arrangements. He apparently was paying for the whole thing and made the final decisions rather than letting the couple pick. Even Esca found it odd, but she didn't say anything, not wanting to cause any rifts as Liathan’s father had always been a bit temperamental.

When she had lived with them, Liathan's father had always been overbearing toward Liathan, demanding excellence in all of his classes and sports. However, Liathan’s father had also been prone to going off to various conferences for weeks at a time. It was always so quiet when it was just Liathan and Esca, but sometimes she felt more comfortable with just him in the house. He might not have been her real brother, but she felt like she knew him better than any of her actual blood relatives.

During the dinner Marcus had not consumed any alcohol, which Esca found very suspicious. When she was ready to go back to her flat, Marcus and Liathan walked her outside. It was under the dim streetlights that Marcus quietly told Esca she was pregnant. Despite the smallness of her voice, Marcus sounded happy.

Esca's heart went up into her throat, a mixture of jealousy and elation fighting inside of her. She wrapped her arms around Marcus' waist—laughing when Liathan wrapped his arms around both of them—and tried to congratulate them without giving away her emotions. She played off any tears as ones of happiness.

Afterward when Esca was driving home, she wondered if that was why Marcus and Liathan were getting married so quickly. She had always assumed Liathan would want to wait to get married until after he finished medical school, and Marcus had never seemed like someone who was particularly interested in having children. Marcus enjoyed tutoring and being a teacher, but she had never expressed any desires of having children of her own. 

Esca brushed those thoughts away, reminding herself not to get too invested in the lives of people who had already made up their mind. If Liathan and Marcus wanted to get married, so be it. If Liathan wanted to start a family before starting his career, well that was his decision. If Marcus wanted to have children with Liathan, fine. Esca refused to intervene. Liathan and Marcus could have a whole flock of children, and Esca would continue to act as the supportive best friend and soon-to-be-aunt.

\---

They ended up having four children within six years.

Esca hadn't even known that was physically possible.

Well, she knew it was possible in _theory_. Pregnancies averaged nine months, but she always thought most people would want to wait a few years in between each child.

During those years, Marcus had always seemed a little exhausted, a little sad, and was perpetually pregnant (but then, once calculated, 36 months of pregnancy divided by 72 months of marriage equaled being pregnant 50% of the time).

When Esca brought up the usage of birth control after the third child was born, Marcus had frowned and looked away. “Liathan's father doesn't believe in married couples using birth control. It would interfere with God's plan,” she had replied ruefully, as if she had heard that phrase many, many times.

“You could always purchase birth control on your own.”

“Liathan's father is the family doctor.”

“Well go somewhere else?”

“And pay with what money?”

“Yours of course!”

“Esca,” Marcus sighed. “I stopped working in order to take care of the girls. I don't have an income. I have an _allowance_.”

Esca felt her hackles rise. “An allowa-” She quickly shook her head, disturbed with that thought but not wanting to get distracted midargument. “Marcus, birth control is free in Britain. You’re Liathan’s wife; you get all the perks of free healthcare.”

“It’s not going to work,” Marcus snapped. “I’ll what, have birth control pills and be hiding them? I can’t do that.”

“Then tell Liathan to get condoms!”

“He doesn’t like condoms!”

Esca immediately wanted to press the issue, but they were interrupted by Marcus’ third daughter who was colicky. Eventually Esca tried playing with the two other girls while Marcus tried rocking the infant back to sleep. The baby never stopped crying unless she was being given a bath or was asleep, but when Marcus finally got the tub running and was sitting on the floor while her daughter calmed down, Esca didn’t feel good about overstressing her friend when there was finally a moment of peace.

\---

During those few months when third baby had been colicky, Liathan’s father stayed at a hotel. He constantly complained about Marcus’ ability to parent, which only made Esca annoyed as colic wasn’t something that was quickly cured.

Liathan also tried defending Marcus, but neither portion of the young couple ever wanted to fight with Liathan’s father. He was paying all of the large expenses. He had paid for the wedding, he was letting the young family live in his house, and he was paying Liathan’s bills.

Only Esca was able to argue with Liathan’s dad, but judging from the imploring looks Marcus and Liathan always gave her, she knew better than to fight. Liathan’s father would only yell after she left, talking about why his opinions were better.

Esca tried discussing the issue with Liathan, but he was always stressed as well. His residency was running him ragged, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. At one point Esca actually remembered him calling her, crying and asking if he could sleep on her couch because he was never sleeping at the house. Esca had let him, though the next morning she quietly asked if maybe Marcus deserved a moment of peace to herself as well.

Liathan didn’t respond, but he nodded and left her apartment, thanking her for letting him sleep on the couch before rushing back to work.

A week later Esca found out Liathan flew to an overseas conference that was supposed to last three days. He ended up staying for two weeks.

\---

By the third child, Marcus seemed thoroughly domesticated. She cooked and cleaned and took care of the children, but it was more than just that. She seemed broken. Whereas before she had been opinionated and humorous, she was now quiet and subservient. Even Liathan’s demeanor had changed.

He was a short with Marcus, giving her very pointed looks when she started to disagree. It was unnerving for Esca to witness this transition. With the first two children, he had been a loving father. Now he was no longer as happy to interact with his children or with his wife. He gave Marcus advice which was just thinly veiled orders. And Marcus _listened_. She always listened, even when Esca knew Marcus disagreed. It was strange.

Marcus was slightly taller than Liathan. When Esca and Marcus had been friends at uni, Marcus always carried herself with confidence. But now she always averted her eyes and nodded whenever Liathan talked to her.

\---

At least for Esca it wasn’t difficult to notice that Marcus was becoming depressed.

She discussed it with Marcus, but when Marcus did nothing about it, Esca discussed it with Liathan. He grimaced when Esca mentioned it, and she fully expected him to yell at her. But then he agreed that Marcus was sick. He shook his head and sighed, explaining that he couldn’t understand why she was always tired.

Unfortunately, Liathan discussed it with his father.

Despite being a doctor for over forty years, he wasn’t very understanding toward mental illnesses. He understood them on a neurological level, but that was all. He prescribed Marcus drugs and ordered her to visit a psychiatrist who was also an old friend.

At first Marcus followed both orders.

The psychiatry helped, but it was difficult finding a babysitter who was willing to watch four children all under the age of six.

Liathan didn’t like any of their babysitters. Esca had found that darkly humorous. “ _You won’t sit and play with your kids for more than ten minutes, but you want to be picky about someone who will?”_

Esca wondered if Marcus told her psychiatrist everything. Marcus seemed to have a constant fear that she would let something slip and the psychiatrist would share her information with Liathan’s father and then Liathan and Marcus would be homeless. Esca always told her that if it ever came to that, she would share her home.

Either way, Marcus stopped going.

Marcus stopped talking to Esca as well. Phone calls dwindled down each week. When Esca noticed this, she tried calling Marcus, but nobody ever answered the phone. The only way Esca saw her friends was if she visited them.

\---

When the fourth child was born, Esca started babysitting the children two to three times a month, and despite Liathan complaining that the kids were unruly, Esca thought the kids were sweet. They were boisterous—probably too boisterous for Marcus alone to handle every single day—but they were lovely children. The three oldest kids were girls, all of them with cheeky grins and dark, curly hair and the most adorable dimples, but they were like mini hurricanes. They broke toys on accident all the time, were stubborn, and disliked following instructions. The fourth child was a boy, and despite being the most difficult to deliver, he was the quietest baby Esca had ever known, as if he was trying to make up for giving his mother so much strife during the pregnancy.

_Jade, Sohane, Malika, and Ali._

They constantly wanted to be in Marcus’ space, and when it was just Esca watching them, they wanted to be in Esca’s. They were all well-dressed and well-mannered, but they liked clambering over Esca and asking question after question about various things. They were all so inquisitive.

Marcus and Liathan would come back happier after their dinner dates, but Marcus would be somber when Esca grabbed her purse and prepared to leave.

Nothing about her friends made sense. Esca wanted to help both of them, but it was difficult to understand what had gone so wrong. And when Esca stepped back and really looked at the picture in front of her, there was no single problem to address. It was a myriad of problems, and those problems kept multiplying and multiplying.

\---

Esca was standing in the kitchen when she found out what Marcus had done. She had Liathan on the phone, and when he finally stopped hyperventilating and was able to explain what had happened. Esca ended up throwing her cup at the wall, wincing when it shattered.

Even as she turned on the telly, she refused to believe his story. It was surreal.

She ended up vomiting before she could leave her flat, but even as she got in her car, she paused when she realised she was preparing to go to Liathan’s house. Marcus had taken a knife and killed her own children in that house. Esca never, ever wanted to step foot in that house again.

She changed direction and headed toward the hospital, bracing herself for whatever she was going to see.

\---

Esca stopped in front of Marcus’ room. She had seen Liathan’s father and Marcus’ uncle at the end of the hall, but both had been in a daze as Esca walked past them.

Marcus was looking out the window when Esca stepped inside. She shakily inhaled as she noticed it was Esca, but then her eyes lost focus and seemed to look through her.

Bandages covered Marcus’ forearms. Apparently Marcus had tried to kill herself after she killed her children, but then she ended up calling the police and telling them what she had done.

Esca sat down next to Marcus, realising she hadn’t prepared a speech. The fight left her as she stared at Marcus. She wasn’t sure how many minutes passed when Marcus spoke up.

“You know, Jade used to break her toys on purpose.” She turned her head slightly toward Esca. “Liathan could fix anything. So Jade would break a toy and then walk over shyly to her father, holding the toy up for him while asking to please fix it.”

Esca frowned, not sure if she was supposed to reply to that, but then Marcus continued. “It was the only time she could get her father’s undivided attention. He never seemed to realise that Jade just wanted her dad to play with him,” Marcus sighed. “He used to yell at her to play with another toy until eventually I would have to come in the room and move the girls away.”

Esca tilted her head. “So you did this for attention?”

A broken sob escaped Marcus. “Attention?” She shook her head. “No. I want to be dead,” Marcus hiccupped. “I’m a coward!”

When Esca stood next to Marcus’ bed, there were no pleading looks of forgiveness. The drugs the nurses had given Marcus had somewhat sedated her, but the emotions of grief, pain, and confusion covered Marcus’ face.

\---

Esca doesn’t know what to do with the stories Marcus told her. She tries not to think about them, but she ends up having nightmares.

She wonders if Marcus had been lying about some of them, but Marcus never lied. No amount of drugs would make Marcus to start lying now.

Esca does wonder if the stories were exaggerated. She doesn’t think they are. When Esca met Marcus at uni, she liked hearing Marcus tell stories full of hyperbole, but Marcus stopped talking like that after Malika was born.

No, Marcus wouldn’t fabricate a story. She didn’t care about a lighter punishment for killing her four children. Marcus seemed to think she deserved whatever punishment she was given.

She was always honest with Esca.

\---

Liathan had been off at a conference when Marcus killed their children. Esca had wanted to hug him and comfort him when she found out what Marcus had done, but the stories Marcus told her made her feel sick.

_“Didn’t you love Liathan?” Esca asked when she realised Marcus would reply to any of her questions._

_“I stopped wanting him to touch me after Sohane was born.” Marcus paused. “The only time we had sex was when I was too exhausted to fight back while he grabbed my wrists and held me down.” Marcus squinted her eyes after saying that, glancing around the room as if she was seeing it for the first time._

Esca didn’t know what to do with that information. Hours later when she saw Liathan, she hugged him, but she was shaking as she did, confused at how her friend—her adoptive brother—could ignore his own wife’s protests and proceed to rape her.

Esca blinked back tears through that embrace, not sure she ever really knew anything about Liathan and Marcus’ relationship.

\---

Esca woke up sweating and panicked. For a brief moment, she had been forced to live one of the stories Marcus had told her.

Marcus worked until the third child had been born. She would make breakfast, get the girls dressed, and leave. Liathan was supposed to watch the children until he left for work himself.

When Jade was nearly three years old, she had a toy car that she would sit on and push around. Marcus had only just walked out of the house when she heard two loud thumps followed by screaming. When she ran back inside the house, Jade was crying on the first landing.

Liathan immediately panicked and started yelling. Marcus wanted to scream at Liathan and ask why he hadn’t been watching her more carefully, but Liathan went on ranting throughout the whole car ride that Marcus, “should’ve closed the gate, it’s a simple thing, close the goddamn gate, and you keep forgetting. Six months! And you keep forgetting!”

The entire way to the hospital Marcus sobbed and rocked Jade back and forth while Liathan continued on like that.

Marcus was a wreck when they finally got to the hospital.

However, after examining Jade, the doctor told them that it was nothing. He was a little older than Liathan, but his bedside manner seemed to kick in when Marcus kept crying. The doctor had ended up gently placing his hands on Marcus’ shoulders, telling her that it was alright, that Jade hadn’t lost consciousness, hadn’t vomited, wasn’t apathetic. He shared with her that his own daughter had fallen down the stairs on accident once and that these things unlucky things can happen to anyone.

He ended up talking to Marcus while she rocked Jade in her arms, calming Marcus down until she was no longer hysterical. Liathan had stood off to the side during the whole ordeal, gaze quickly shifting from Marcus to the doctor.

After returning from the hospital, Liathan was much nicer to her. He held Marcus that night as she cried over feeling like an awful parent, holding her and apologising for being so harsh, saying over and over that he was just so scared for Jade.

But then his hands started wandering, started pulling Marcus’ nightgown up, and he started kissing her. And because Marcus had been so convinced that Liathan hated her for being the reason their daughter almost died, so convinced that Liathan would divorce her and take the children, she didn’t argue when he said he wanted to have sex.

When Marcus told the story to Esca, she also mused that it was probably the night Malika was conceived.

\---

Esca doesn’t know if she can use any of these stories in a courtroom. She trusts Marcus not to lie to her, but even if each story was one hundred percent true, Marcus might refuse to share them.

When she does ask Marcus about telling the truth to the proper authorities, Marcus’ face hardens and she practically shuts down.

\---

Esca feels wretched that Liathan has lost his children and his wife, but after three days of nightmares, it doesn’t stop her from following him to the hospital parking lot and punching him so hard in the face that she hears his jaw crack. Liathan stumbles backward, clearly caught off guard, but he doesn’t attempt to retaliate.

He sits down on the ground and waits for her to start talking.

Esca isn’t sure if he’s actually interested in what she has to say or if he’s just too tired to fight back. Esca has talked to the nurses, trying to wheedle information, but they say that Liathan sits in Marcus’ room like that all day and night, waiting for her to start talking. But Marcus doesn’t talk to him. She only ever asks him where the children will be buried, but that is the extent of their conversations.

 ---

Liathan tells Esca that he once promised Marcus they would move out of his father’s house. He said they could move to Calleva if she wanted, or the United States, but when he told his father, his father got angry, saying they were ungrateful and he would disown them.

So Liathan took back his promise.

Instead his father bought a bigger house for all of them. Or well, Liathan and his father bought a house. Marcus sat there in the office and watched while the two men signed paperwork.

\---

When Marcus had been highly sedated that first day, she told Esca she was pleased when she got pregnant a fourth time because she knew how upsetting it would be to Liathan’s father. He adored his granddaughters, but he wasn’t so happy that Marcus was the one who was giving birth to them.

Liathan’s father told her she should consider getting an abortion. “ _Four kids so soon? Too much. Congratulations, though. I’m happy. But if you keep it, let’s hope it’s finally a boy, yes?”_

She didn’t tell Liathan about the baby immediately because she secretly wanted the abortion too. She waited a week trying to figure out what to do, but then she gave up and told him about the pregnancy. But Liathan had been happy, so she pretended to be happy as well.

The fourth child was the most difficult delivery. Esca had been in the room while Liathan pressed his hand against Marcus’ back. Esca had tried comforting Marcus as well, but it had been horrible. Marcus ended up screaming and gripping the hospital bed during contractions. The doctors and nurses finally ended up prepping Marcus for a caesarian, and Esca and Liathan waited in the corridor during the surgery.

The fourth child was boy, and Marcus could tell Liathan liked him better than all of their daughters combined. And she hated her husband for that.

\---

 “They don’t like me, Esca,” Marcus said softly.

“Who?”

“The children. Liathan. Liathan’s father.” Marcus stared at the ceiling. “I try to talk to my children, make them listen to me, but they ignore me. They take after Liathan and his father and pretend I don’t exist. They act like I’m nothing.”

Esca held a cup of water against Marcus’ lips. “The children loved you. I’m sure Liathan did too.”

“No,” Marcus sighed, shaking her head. “The only person who loved me was you, and you pushed me away like all the rest.” Marcus’ eyes were slightly glazed over as she stared at Esca.

Esca’s hand twitched, wanting to move on its own accord. Eventually Esca gave up fighting it and placed her hand over Marcus’. “I’m sorry,” she said softly.

Marcus shook her head, almost getting distracted by the lights. “It’s alright,” Marcus murmured, “I never lacked anything.”

_You just had to give up your freedom_ , Esca silently added.


End file.
